Member-only story
Why I’m Treating Emotionally Unconscious People Like They’re Literally Unconscious
Say it loud for the folks in the back: Unconscious people cannot give consent.
A few months ago, I had one of those little heartbreaks that really got under my skin. From the moment we met, I’d been completely open and honest with this man about what I wanted and needed in a romantic connection, what I expected and would accept, and asked for explicit, fully-informed consent. He gave it, and commended me for being such a conscious communicator.
Not long after, he rescinded all he’d promised. He wasn’t over his ex, he needed time to heal, he was heartbroken and distressed and overwhelmed and couldn’t be with me. He couldn’t communicate; he just ran. When I grew furious at him for violating what he’d explicitly consented to do, and for hurting me in the process, he grew defensive. He refused any accountability. How could I have expected anything of him? He was heartbroken! It wasn’t his fault he broke clear promises and violated my boundaries! Why was I being so venomous?
I stayed furious at the invalidation and injustice of the whole situation for months, until something clicked in me: this man did not know he wasn’t conscious when he agreed to my expectations, until he realized it later. He was…
