Why Learning to Grieve Will Set Us Free

Mourning is a skill we should practice more

Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

My best friend died last year. We still haven’t had a funeral. I don’t fault her family at all — she was missing for five months before her body was found, the autopsy results were inconclusive and the investigation is still ongoing, and her family has had more than enough to deal with throughout the process without adding funeral planning to the list.

The unfortunate result, for me at least, has been something of a stunted grief process. I’ve been mourning her in private, talking about her almost exclusively with people who have never met her, cut off from the opportunity to share in grief with others.

Yes, we have all loved and lost, and we can all empathize with grief. But this particular loss, like any loss, has its own unique character. There is a Meghan-shaped hole in my life now, and while anyone who’s lost a sister can relate, they cannot know the contours of her particular absence. I need, I still need after all this time, to really mourn with those who loved her too. I need to go through the ritual of mourning.

Here in White America, we don’t have much in the way of rituals. I play Wordle every day and recite my member number to my local cooperative grocery store, but these are more routines than rituals. A ritual is…